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Turf Deli Spring Racing Carnival - Punting Dictionary Volume II
The Complete Punting Dictionary - Volume II 30/11/03

MOVEABLE RUNNING RAIL - a modern innovation to allow more use of the racetrack surface. Punters are still lobbying hard though for the introduction of the moveable finishing line.

STAYED IN THE STALLS - the guy who is trying to drink a whole esky fully of alcohol in one go on the Flemington Racecourse train platform when he realised he cannot take it through the gates with him.

MISSED THE JUMP - The horse equivalent of the guy who bought Stayin' Alive in 1982, went grunge in 1997 and thinks those dot coms are where the money is to be made today.

BROKEN DOWN - something the ATM machine never does.

PENTROMETER - a scientific measure of ground firmness which allows the ladies to know whether to wear studs or spikes on their high heels for firm footing.


BRACES FIRST TIME - the horse wants that perfect smile for the photo finish.

NADS LAST TIME - guess who is off to be gelded. WIND SUCKING DEVICE - the usually money sucking device has been replaced.

PACIFIERS - placed on a horse to stop them sucking their thumbs.

BANDAGES - might suggest the horse has an injury. Of more concern is when a horse is listed as ‘crutches 1st time’.

GLUE ON SHOES - surely just going to be a fad like velcro shoes were.

CROSS OVER NOSE BAND - and you thought bandanna’s looked silly

NOSE ROLL - :an important large roll of cotton wool whose main benefit is that it makes it a lot easier to spot your horse in the run. Also of benefit for soaking up unwanted nasal drippage if you have the flu

TONGUE TIE - apparatus we hope to see Wayne Wilson wearing this year if he was going to call the Cup again.

BLINKERS FIRST TIME - someone has a wandering eye and if he gets caught again by the missus he is in real trouble.

WEIGHT FOR AGE - It's a fact of life - the older you are, the more weight you carry.

STEWARD - pay attention to these guys. They tell you what to do if there is a plane crash.

THE CUPS KING - how the uni student getting paid $5 a hour to clean up the glasses in the corporate marquee refers to himself

APRRENTICE ALLOWANCE - the apprentice gets an extra crust of bread with his gruel.

CLERK OF THE COURSE - the nicely dressed man in the red jacket on the white/grey horse

JERK OF THE COURSE - the partly dressed man urinating in the car park on the white/grey car.

CLUB COLOURS - the colours that a jockey wears if the normal racing colours are not available e.g.. they got left on the washing line over night when the storm came through.

DUAL RIDING ENGAGEMENT - the horse is going to carry 2 jockeys and you have to hope they both want to go in the same direction at the same time. Both jockeys have wasted to be 26kgs each in order to share the ride.

WARNED OFF - what happens to a bookie who decides to offer to pay their plumber by giving him 500/1 on the favourite instead of paying him legitimately.

WARNE-D OFF - also the punishment you're likely to receive for inappropriate SMSing or misuse of a diet pill that mummy gave you.

BARRIER ATTENDANT - a glamorous profession for namby pamby pretty boys. As long as they don’t break a nail they are fine.

ONE OF RACING'S GREAT PARTNERSHIPS (1) : the Tuxedo jacket and board shorts.

ONE OF RACING'S GREAT PARTNERSHIPS (2) : the Euroa football team end of season trip runs into the Hamilton netball team end of season trip at Derby Day.

BART CUMMINGS MAGIC : The unexplained phenomena that results in all Bart Cummings trained horses in the Melbourne Cup field starting 5 points under their real odds on the tote.

DEAD HEAT - The official margin between Maridpour and the ambulance in the 2000 Melbourne Cup.

LATE SCRACHING ON VET’S ADVICE - the horse actually could run but the vet obviously derives sadistic satisfaction from seeing bookies and punters work out the horse-maths equivalent of "a train with ten passengers leaves a station at nine thirty and travels northwest at 55 kilometres an hour ...". Net result - your $100 payout ends up being $97.34

GET OUT STAKES - it used to be the last in Adelaide. Now it's working the $5 blackjack table at Crown (after you got knocked back from Heat) in the desperate hope of being able to win enough for a taxi fare home.

BARRIERS - the barbed wire fence and crocodile infested moat that divides the members from the public. DAM - how your refer to your mother.

HORSE IS BEING REPLATED - sure they do look good - but do you have them in 10 and in the brown ?

SHIN SORE - injury common to ladies on Oaks day when they try to use the port-a-loos without touching the seat.

GOES WELL FRESH - refers to the marauding slick and clean as a whistle group of guys who turn up on Oaks Day freshly showered and groomed late in the afternoon thinking that this is going to give them a big advantage. Little do they do know that sexual attraction is all about pheromones, so the beer drenched, sweaty, sun burnt, incoherent lad whose has been there since 9am has still got a much better chance of scoring.

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