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Spring Carnival Salvation 13/10/2007

Spring Carnival Salvation is at hand, for the miracle cure has arrived.

Racing Victoria have announced this week that the first batch of vaccinations have arrived to save the Spring Racing Carnival ! Praise the Lord, the miracle cure we have all been waiting for, it treats warts, it treats tummy aches, forget those ills and pains, be gone evil equine flu , dry itchy scalps and those pesky saddle sores.

However, in a startling turn, Racing Victoria had decided that rather than vaccinate the horses, who might miss track work as a result (and need an awful lot of sympathy horse lolly pops after the big hurty needle) it would be more economically viable to vaccinate the punting public.

The Punter’s Vaccine - PUNTVAC - a genetically modified treatment which numbs the punter from the tedium of Spring Carnival stories about what celebrities are going to wear to the races, how they pick their frock and what their lucky number is. Containing a triple antigen (being the closest most punters will get to a decent trifecta in the next couple of months), it also acts to protect gambling turnover in case racing does get cancelled. In a recent clinical trial, 7 out of 10 patients reported they now think poker machines are a valid and interesting form of entertainment, and 9 out of 10 spring carnival race goers were found to be totally oblivious about whether there was any horse racing going on or not.

Unfortunately, like all treatments, there is the possibility of unwanted side effects. These include muttering to one’s self in random and repeated bizarre verbal ticks (“should’ve put in the 10”, “could’ve got the quaddie”, “why did I back the 2 ?”), zoning out, vagueness and difficult concentrating (usually when there is an odds display in the background), and most entertaining of all, answering all questions by tapping out the answer with one’s feet/hoof whilst snorting a lot.

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